


The Most Perfect Being

by neosaiyanangel



Category: The Room (2003)
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Johnny is Perfect, Not A Fix-It, Pathetically Hilarious Suicide, Retelling, Subtext, Swimming, Water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28156830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neosaiyanangel/pseuds/neosaiyanangel
Summary: Johnny has a brilliant idea! Going to the water park! For manly good times!
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	The Most Perfect Being

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chianine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chianine/gifts).



Johnny had an idea.

“I think. We should go. To the water park.”

All of his men friends and his beautiful girlfriend who loved him very much were around him in their living room.

“Johnny, that’s a great idea!” his best friend Mark said enthusiastically.

“Are you sure we should do that?” Steven asked, giving Mark and Lisa the side-eye for some reason.

“Why not? It could be. A lot. Of adult fun!” Johnny exclaimed.

“Adult fun?” Denny waved his hands in front of him. “Sorry, but you can count me out.”

“That is alright, Danny,” Johnny said.

“My name’s Denny.”

“Ah ha! Such humor.” Johnny got up and tussled Denny’s hair. “You are a good boy. Danny.”

“I think Johnny’s right,” Lisa said, licking her lips as she looked at Mark. “It could be a _lot_ of adult fun.”

“I am sorry, Lee-sa. I meant manly adult fun. For men!” Johnny clarified.

“Oh, I’m sure there’ll be enough fun for me if I went,” Lisa insisted.

“I think I’m with Johnny on this,” Steven said. “Guys only.”

“Well fine then!” Lisa jumped up and flounced up the stairs. “Let you and your manliness get all over that waterpark. See if I care!”

“Lee-sa, why are you. Being. Like this?” Johnny made to chase her upstairs but found Peter was standing in his way.

“Lisa should probably cool off. Let’s just get going,” Peter said.

“I’m with Peter,” Steven agreed.

“Alright. I trust you all. As my brothers. I love you. I love you like my own brothers,” Johnny confessed.

“Same here,” Mark said even as he eyed up the stairs.

“We love you too, Johnny,” Steven said. “More than Lisa.”

“I love Lee-sa too. I love all of you.”

“I think we should get going soon,” Peter said as he made a show of looking out the window. “It’s getting dark.”

Denny stared. “It’s ten in the morning.”

“It gets dark earlier,” Peter defended.

“Ah, Danny, you are such a keeder!” Johnny laughed.

“I think I need to go. I have homework to do,” Denny said as he got up.

“You are. A good keed,” Johnny said behind him as Denny left. Following the sound of the door shutting, he shook his head. “That Danny. Always a joker!”

“Okay! Let’s get going!” Steven held up a set of trunks. “I had them already. Always be prepared!”

“What a coincidence!” Mark held up his own set. “I brought my own too!”

“I guess that leaves me the odd man out,” Peter said, disappointed. “I need to go home to get mine.”

“You can. Borrow. One of mine!” Johnny said. “I have plenty. To share!”

“Isn’t that kinda unhygienic?” Mark asked.

“Are you calling. Me fat?” Johnny asked with an edge in his voice.

“...no?” Mark shook his head. “Whatever. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of our manly adult fun I’ll be fine.”

“It will be fine. There will be. Plenty! Of adult fun for all,” Johnny promised.

“Okay then. Let’s go!”

* * *

“I need lotion. Rubbed. On my skin,” Johnny announced once they got to the waterpark.

“So do I,” Mark said, rubbing his taut muscles. His six-pack paled in comparison to Johnny’s beer keg.

“Spot me?” Steven asked, getting between Mark and Johnny. He looked intently at Mark as Peter walked over to Johnny.

“Sure,” Mark said, grabbing the large leaking bottle of lotion. “Here, let me get your back.”

As Steven laid down and Mark began to rub the slick lotion all over his back, Steven sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asked as Johnny got his arms rubbed with lotion by Peter.

“You and Lisa!” Steven couldn’t help but to burst out.

Mark tensed up. “Me and Lisa are just friends.”

“You’re going to break Johnny’s heart! He’s VERY sensitive,” Steven said hotly.

“...haven’t we already talked about this?” Mark asked.

“You clearly didn’t hear me the first time. You need to stay away from Lisa!”

Mark was about to reply but cut himself off as he looked into the distance. Hiding behind a water hose was Lisa, who was clearly also dressed for an adult fun time.

“What if I don’t want to stay away from Lisa?” Mark asked.

“Then you’re responsible for Johnny’s heartbreak,” Steven said sternly.

“I don’t have to listen to this!” Mark got up in a huff and ran off in the direction of Lisa.

“Wait! Mark! What about. Your lotion?” Johnny yelled after him.

“Don’t worry about him,” Steven said, disgusted. “He’s doing his own thing.”

“Alright.” Johnny sat up, lotion glistening off of his beer keg and limp arms. Rubbing a hand across his slick body, he teased, “Who is next?”

“I am!” Peter and Steven said at the same time. They looked at each other and laughed.

“Ah, my man-friends. You are all. Good. I love you, like brothers!”

“Yeah...like brothers…” Steven and Peter looked at each other again. Then they laughed again.

* * *

“What are you doing here?” Mark asked Lisa as he finally caught up to her.

“I wanted to be with my love-r-boy,” she replied. She took her top off and kissed Mark on the chin.

“Whoa. What are you doing?” Mark stared at her, mesmerized.

“I want to be with you, Mark.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Don’t you want to be with me?”

“But you and Johnny-”

“I don’t love Johnny. I love you,” Lisa insisted.

“Lee-sa!”

They both turned dramatically as they realized Johnny was standing there, looking at them. Mark broke away from Lisa, who stood there unabashedly.

“What do you want?” Lisa said, annoyed.

“We are. Supposed. To be having a manly time! With my man friends! And you _betray_ me like this?! Mark?!” Johnny gripped his head. “I am tired. Of everyone! Everyone betrays me! I do not care anymore.”

“You’re so sensitive!” Lisa snapped. “You’re getting hysterical. Again!”

“I do not _caaaaaaare_ ,” Johnny cried. He dramatically began slapping the nearby bucket toy before running up the steps to the mega slide.

“Johnny!” Mark made to go after him but found he was stopped by Lisa pulling on his arm. He said, “What are you doing? Johnny-”

“Will be fine,” Lisa said. “It’s not like he’ll do anything dramatic.”

“I AM DOING. SOMETHING DRAMATIC!” Johnny yelled from the top of the slide. The two of them watched in horror as Johnny jumped into the biggest slide and slid down. Still horrified, they saw him hit the bottom and bounce across the top of the water before he settled face-down at the edge of the pool.

“JOHNNY!” Denny appeared from nowhere to cradle Johnny’s drowned head. He was obviously dead even though he was just as obviously breathing.

“Look at what you did!” Steven shouted at Mark and Lisa as they ran up. “I told you it was your fault.”

“He-he would’ve wanted us to be together,” Lisa said as she cradled Mark’s arm.

“You’re right.” Denny stood up, still crying, and kissed Lisa’s chin. “He _would_ have wanted us to be together.”

“Johnny…” Mark wept. Steven and Peter joined in, as did all the strangers around them. When the police and ambulance arrived, they, too, wept.

And the world, all creatures great and small, wept as they felt the loss of the perfect being that was Johnny. Unless he tried to be fine again, which at that point they would proceed to ignore him again.


End file.
